When to Make It Official: The DTR (Define The Relationship) Guide

👈 Back to: Part 1: First Date Mastery | Part 2: Texting Between Dates | Part 3: Building Real Connection

This is Part 4 (the finale!) of the Dating 101: Beyond the Swipe series from The Average Dude. If you haven't read Parts 1-3, start there first.

You've Been Dating for a While. What Now?

So you've been seeing each other for a few weeks or months. You've had great dates, the texting flows naturally, you've built real connection, and things are going really well.

But you're in that weird limbo zone where you don't know what to call each other. Are you dating? Seeing each other? In a relationship? Exclusive? Just hanging out?

You're afraid to bring it up because you don't want to seem clingy or scare them off. But you also don't want to waste time if you're not on the same page.

Welcome to the DTR—Define The Relationship—the conversation that makes or breaks where you're headed.

As The Average Dude, I'm here to help you navigate this crucial moment. I'll show you when to have the talk, how to bring it up without making it weird, and what to do based on their response.

Let's get into it.

What Does "Making It Official" Actually Mean?

Before we dive in, let's clarify what we're talking about:

The Relationship Stages

Stage 1: Casually Dating

• You've been on a few dates
• No commitment or exclusivity
• Both of you might be seeing other people
• Just getting to know each other

Stage 2: Consistently Dating

• You're seeing each other regularly (1-2+ times per week)
• Texting frequently between dates
• Starting to build real connection
• Still might be seeing others, but you're a priority

Stage 3: Exclusively Dating

• You've agreed to only see each other
• Not dating or sleeping with anyone else
• Might not have official labels yet
• Testing out what a relationship would look like

Stage 4: In a Relationship (Official)

• You've had the DTR conversation
• You call each other boyfriend/girlfriend (or partner)
• Exclusive and committed
• Integrated into each other's lives (friends, family, social media)

The DTR conversation is about moving from Stage 2 or 3 to Stage 4—making it official.

Signs You're Ready for the DTR Talk

Don't have this conversation too early. But also don't wait so long that you're basically already in a relationship without the label. Here are the signs it's time:

Timeline Indicators

• You've been consistently dating for 1-3 months
• You've been on 8-15+ dates
• You're seeing each other 1-3 times per week
• You've been intimate (if that's part of your dating style)

Note: These are guidelines, not rules. Some people move faster, some slower. What matters more is the quality of connection, not just time.

Emotional Indicators

• You've moved beyond surface-level conversations (remember Part 3 on building connection?)
• You're comfortable being vulnerable with each other
• You genuinely care about their well-being
• You think about them regularly when you're apart
• You're excited to share your life with them

Behavioral Indicators

• You've stopped swiping on dating apps
• You're not interested in dating anyone else
• You prioritize time with them over other plans
• You've met each other's friends (or are planning to)
• You make plans weeks in advance together
• You're integrating them into your daily life

Compatibility Indicators

• You've discussed important topics (values, goals, dealbreakers)
• You handle conflict well together
• Your lifestyles are compatible
• You want the same things (casual vs. serious, future goals)
• You respect and admire each other

If most of these boxes are checked, it's probably time to have the conversation.

Signs You're NOT Ready Yet

Don't rush into the DTR if:

• You've only been on 3-5 dates (too soon, you barely know each other)
• You're still very surface-level (no real depth or vulnerability yet)
• You haven't discussed what you're both looking for
• Major red flags or incompatibilities exist that you're ignoring
• You're only doing it because you're insecure (not because you genuinely want a relationship with them)
• They've given signals they're not ready (pulling back, being vague about the future)
• You're trying to lock them down to stop them from seeing others (that's fear, not love)

The DTR should come from a place of genuine connection and mutual interest, not fear or pressure.

How to Bring Up the DTR Conversation

This is the part everyone stresses about. Here's how to do it without making it awkward:

Step 1: Choose the Right Time and Place

Good times:

• After a great date when you're both in a good mood
• During a quiet, private moment (not in a crowded restaurant)
• When you have time to actually talk (not right before one of you has to leave)
• In person (never over text for something this important)

Bad times:

• Right after sex (emotions are heightened, not clear-headed)
• During or after an argument
• When either of you is stressed or distracted
• In front of other people
• Via text, phone, or social media

Step 2: Lead with Honesty and Confidence

Don't beat around the bush or play games. Be direct but not aggressive.

Good openers:

• "I've really been enjoying spending time with you, and I wanted to talk about where we're at."
• "I like where this is going. I'm curious—what are you thinking about us?"
• "I've been thinking about us lately. Can we talk about what we're doing here?"
• "I'm not seeing anyone else, and I don't want to. How do you feel about making this exclusive?"

Bad openers:

• "So what are we?" (too blunt and puts them on the spot)
• "Are we boyfriend/girlfriend or what?" (aggressive and demanding)
• "I need to know where this is going." (sounds like an ultimatum)
• "Everyone keeps asking if we're together..." (using external pressure instead of your own feelings)

Step 3: Express What You Want

Don't make them guess. Be clear about what you're looking for.

Examples:

• "I really like you, and I'm not interested in seeing anyone else. I'd like us to be exclusive."
• "I'm looking for something serious, and I think we could have that. What do you think?"
• "I want to be in a relationship with you. Are you on the same page?"

Why this works: You're being vulnerable and honest about your feelings while giving them space to respond authentically.

Step 4: Ask for Their Perspective

After you share your feelings, give them room to share theirs.

• "How are you feeling about us?"
• "What are you thinking?"
• "Does that align with what you want?"

Then listen. Really listen. Don't interrupt, don't get defensive, just hear them out.

Step 5: Discuss What It Means

If you're both on the same page, clarify what being "official" means to both of you:

• Exclusivity: Are you both deleting dating apps and only seeing each other?
• Labels: Are you comfortable calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend?
• Social media: Are you posting about each other or keeping it private for now?
• Friends and family: When will you meet each other's people?
• Communication: What are your expectations for texting, calling, seeing each other?
• Future: What are you both working toward (just seeing where it goes, long-term potential, etc.)?

Don't assume you're on the same page about everything. Talk it through.

Possible Responses (And What to Do)

Response 1: "Yes, I Want That Too"

What it means: You're on the same page! Congrats, you're officially in a relationship.

What to do:

• Celebrate the moment (hug, kiss, enjoy it!)
• Discuss what being official means to both of you
• Delete your dating apps together (if you haven't already)
• Start integrating each other into your lives more fully
• Keep doing what's been working—don't change who you are now that it's official

Response 2: "I Like You, But I'm Not Ready Yet"

What it means: They're interested but need more time before committing.

What to do:

• Ask why they're not ready (fear of commitment, need more time, other concerns?)
• Ask what "ready" would look like for them
• Set a timeline: "I understand. Can we revisit this in a few weeks?"
• Decide if you're willing to wait or if you need to move on
• Don't wait indefinitely—if they're still not ready after 4-6 more weeks, that's your answer

Red flag: If they can't articulate why they're not ready or keep pushing it off indefinitely, they're probably not that into you.

Response 3: "I'm Not Looking for Anything Serious"

What it means: They want to keep things casual. You want different things.

What to do:

• Believe them. Don't try to change their mind.
• Decide if you're okay with casual or if you need to walk away
• Don't stick around hoping they'll change—they've told you what they want
• If you want a relationship, find someone who wants that too

Real talk: "I'm not looking for anything serious" usually means "I'm not looking for anything serious with you." Don't waste your time.

Response 4: "I Need Time to Think About It"

What it means: They're unsure or caught off guard.

What to do:

• Give them space to process (a few days, not weeks)
• Set a time to follow up: "Take some time to think. Can we talk about it this weekend?"
• Don't pressure them, but don't wait forever either
• If they come back with a no or keep stalling, that's your answer

Response 5: "I Thought We Already Were Official"

What it means: You were already on the same page, you just hadn't verbalized it!

What to do:

• Laugh about the miscommunication
• Clarify expectations now that you've confirmed you're together
• Enjoy the relief of knowing you were both already committed

What Changes When You're Official?

Some things should change, some shouldn't.

What Should Change

• Exclusivity: You're only seeing each other romantically and sexually
• Commitment: You're actively choosing each other and investing in the relationship
• Integration: You start meeting friends, family, and becoming part of each other's lives
• Future planning: You make plans weeks or months out together
• Communication: You're more open about feelings, needs, and concerns
• Conflict resolution: You work through issues instead of just walking away

What Shouldn't Change

• Your personality: Don't become a different person now that you're official
• Your independence: Keep your hobbies, friends, and identity outside the relationship
• The effort: Don't stop trying just because you "locked them down"
• The fun: Keep dating each other, don't get complacent
• Respect: Treat them the same way you did when you were trying to win them over

The biggest mistake people make: They stop doing the things that made the other person fall for them in the first place. Don't do that.

Common DTR Mistakes to Avoid

Mistake #1: Bringing It Up Too Soon

What it looks like: Having the DTR talk after 2-3 dates.

Why it's bad: You barely know each other. It comes across as desperate or clingy.

The fix: Wait until you've built real connection and spent significant time together (usually 1-3 months).

Mistake #2: Waiting Too Long

What it looks like: Dating for 6+ months without ever defining what you are.

Why it's bad: You waste time if you want different things. Resentment builds.

The fix: If you're consistently dating someone for 2-3 months, it's fair to ask where it's going.

Mistake #3: Using Ultimatums

What it looks like: "Either we make this official or I'm done."

Why it's bad: Pressuring someone into a relationship doesn't create genuine commitment.

The fix: Express what you want and ask what they want. If you're not aligned, make your decision without threats.

Mistake #4: Having the Talk Over Text

What it looks like: "So are we official or what? 👀"

Why it's bad: This is too important for text. Tone gets lost, it feels impersonal.

The fix: Always have this conversation in person where you can read body language and have a real discussion.

Mistake #5: Ignoring Red Flags

What it looks like: Pushing for a relationship even though there are major incompatibilities or concerning behaviors.

Why it's bad: A label doesn't fix problems. You're just making it official with the wrong person.

The fix: Address red flags before making it official. If they can't be resolved, don't move forward.

Mistake #6: Assuming You're on the Same Page

What it looks like: Acting like you're in a relationship without ever actually discussing it.

Why it's bad: You might have completely different understandings of what you are.

The fix: Have the actual conversation. Don't assume.

After the DTR: Building a Strong Relationship

Congrats, you're official! Now what?

The First Few Weeks

• Enjoy the honeymoon phase: It's exciting and new—soak it in
• Keep dating each other: Don't get lazy just because you're official
• Communicate openly: Share how you're feeling, what you need, what you appreciate
• Set healthy boundaries: How much time together vs. apart? What are your needs?
• Meet each other's people: Start integrating into each other's social circles

Building Long-Term

• Maintain your individuality: Don't lose yourself in the relationship
• Keep growing together: Try new things, support each other's goals
• Handle conflict constructively: Disagreements will happen—learn to work through them
• Show appreciation regularly: Don't take each other for granted
• Keep the romance alive: Date nights, surprises, thoughtful gestures
• Build trust: Be reliable, honest, and consistent

Red Flags in a New Relationship

Even after making it official, watch for these warning signs:

• They change drastically: The person you're dating becomes someone different
• Controlling behavior: They try to isolate you from friends/family or control your choices
• Lack of effort: They stop trying now that you're "locked down"
• Poor communication: They shut down during conflict or refuse to discuss issues
• Disrespect: They dismiss your feelings, boundaries, or needs
• Inconsistency: Their words and actions don't match

If you see these, address them immediately. A relationship label doesn't mean you have to stay if it's not healthy.

What If You're Not Ready to Be Official?

Maybe they want to DTR but you're not ready. That's okay. Here's how to handle it:

Be Honest

• "I really like you, but I'm not ready to make it official yet."
• "I need a bit more time to be sure. Can we revisit this in a few weeks?"
• "I'm enjoying what we have, but I'm not looking for something serious right now."

Explain Why (If You Can)

• "I just got out of a relationship and need more time to heal."
• "I want to make sure we're truly compatible before committing."
• "I'm focusing on [career/school/personal growth] right now."

Be Fair to Them

• Don't string them along if you know you'll never want a relationship with them
• Don't ask them to wait indefinitely while you figure it out
• If they need a relationship and you don't want one, let them go

Real talk: If you're not ready after 2-3 months of consistent dating, you're probably not that into them. Be honest with yourself and with them.

The Average Dude's DTR Principles

1. Don't rush it: Build real connection before making it official
2. Don't wait forever: If you're consistently dating, it's fair to define it within 1-3 months
3. Be direct: Have the actual conversation—don't hint or assume
4. Be honest: Say what you want and listen to what they want
5. Respect their answer: Whether it's yes, no, or not yet—believe them
6. Don't settle: Only make it official if you genuinely want a relationship with them
7. Keep being yourself: Don't change who you are just because you're official
8. Enjoy it: Being in a relationship should feel good, not stressful

Final Thoughts

The DTR conversation is scary because it requires vulnerability and risks rejection. But it's also necessary if you want to build something real.

Here's the truth: if someone wants to be with you, they'll say yes. If they don't, they'll make excuses, ask for more time indefinitely, or say no.

Either way, you get clarity. And clarity is always better than limbo.

Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. The right person will be excited to give it to you. The wrong person will make you feel like you're asking for too much.

You deserve someone who's sure about you. Someone who doesn't need to be convinced or pressured. Someone who's just as excited to make it official as you are.

So when the time is right, have the conversation. Be honest. Be confident. And trust that whatever happens is what's supposed to happen.

You've got this.

Now go define that relationship.

- The Average Dude

Quick DTR Conversation Checklist

Before the Talk:

• ☐ You've been consistently dating for 1-3 months
• ☐ You've built real connection and vulnerability
• ☐ You're both prioritizing each other
• ☐ You've discussed values and compatibility
• ☐ You genuinely want a relationship (not just security)

During the Talk:

• ☐ Choose a private, comfortable setting
• ☐ Have the conversation in person
• ☐ Be direct and honest about what you want
• ☐ Ask for their perspective and listen
• ☐ Discuss what being official means to both of you

After the Talk:

• ☐ If yes: Celebrate and clarify expectations
• ☐ If not yet: Set a timeline to revisit
• ☐ If no: Respect their answer and decide your next move
• ☐ Keep being the person they fell for
• ☐ Continue building the relationship intentionally

📚 DATING 101: BEYOND THE SWIPE SERIES - COMPLETE

• Part 1: First Date Mastery
• Part 2: The Art of Texting Between Dates
• Part 3: Building Real Connection
• Part 4: When to Make It Official (You are here)

🎉 You've completed the Dating 101 series! You now have the complete roadmap from first date to official relationship. Go out there and build something real.

🎥 Watch the full series on TikTok @TheAverageDude | 🎧 Listen on Spotify